I was born in Hinsdale, but I have lived all over the Western suburbs. My parents divorced when I was 2 or 3, so between the two of them we moved about every year growing up. At one point both of my parent lived in Villa Park, between the 2 of them we were there for 5 years. So that was the first place I was really able to call home and make some friends.

The summer before 8th grade however, we moved again to Westmont. So I started going to Westmont Jr. High and then on to Westmont High School. In 8th grade I really didn’t have a group of friends, rather random friends from a few circles. I had tried really hard to impress people and it totally backfired. Nothing big and dramatic, Westmont was just a whole lot preppier than Villa Park… I mean they STILL tight rolled their jeans.

By the start of my freshman year I decided that standing out wasn’t that bad of a thing and I showed up to my first day of classes with my hair in braids and some bell bottomish jeans. So I definitely didn’t fit in. I wanted people to like me for me, not because I fit their mold. I remember one of my friends who was a cheerleader telling me that someone didn’t like me bc I was too different. I didn’t get mad I just hoped that people would give ME a chance and not just judge me based on the fact that I dressed differently. I had a group of friends now, but I wasn’t always comfortable around them. They hung out with older guys and in my opinion were always doing something stupid to try and impress them.

I’m not sure when it happened, but I think that people started talking to me and realized that I was pretty normal despite that fact that I loved baggie jeans. I would say that by the end of my freshman year people were more accepting of me, at least in school.

Ok now to back up a little bit and to really understand me, you need to know that I grew up in a Christian home. My dad was actually a pastor, but bc of the divorce and the way things worked out I usually went to church with my mom. I went to AWANA in elementary school and youth group weekly in High School. I thought that being a Christian meant that you did those things and you were nice to people, said the occasional prayer, read your Bible, and all that good stuff, so that is what I did for years.

Back to high school. Sophomore year rolls around and people are being more than nice to me in school, they are asking me to hangout with them. So now I’m hanging out with people from just about every different social group. So my social life changed in a huge way. I was getting invited out to parties. I definitely felt pressure to drink and smoke. My friends respected the fact that I didn’t want to smoke, eventually they stopped offering. Drinking on the other hand I was curious about. I knew it was wrong and said no a few times. But I remember the first time I had a drink it was some sort of hard liquor and it was also the last time for awhile.

Junior year rolls around and I still stand out if you looked at my clothes, I mean no one else had purple corduroys. But I fit in and loved every minute of it. That is why when my parents said that we might move to GA I was excited but torn. I thought it would be fun to meet a whole new bunch of people and live in the South. In hind sight it was definitely a God thing. I wasn’t out of control or anything, but my friends were much more into drinking and I even drank a few more times. Even my peppier friends were smoking weed, and I just wasn’t down with it. I do wonder sometimes how my story would have changed had I finished High School at Westmont. I wonder if I would be here talking to you?

So that Christmas break my mom, step-dad and I drove to Atlanta Ga. I would love to tell you how amazing it was, but it sucked! People were so two faced and if I didn’t fit in at Westmont, I sure didn’t fit into a school that had a Miss Dacual High School Pageant. I don’t consider the time to be a total bust bc I had one friend that first year, so my mom and I spent a lot of time together. We were able to get really close for the first time in my life. Also for the first time in my life I had to deal with being alone. I didn’t have a group of friends to lean on and I’m sure I spent many Friday and Saturday nights at home alone. While in GA I did make one life long friend (Susie), proof to me that God had me there for a reason.

When I was in GA I went to this church that was the first time the reality set in that Christianity wasn’t something that I inherited from my parents. Instead it was a relationship with Jesus Christ and something that I would be held responsible for. So at that point I rededicated my life to Christ, but I don’t think I did it because I truly wanted a relationship with him. I did it out of fear that I wouldn’t make it to heaven bc I wasn’t sure where I stood in the eyes of God.

So after high school, I took a semester off and moved back to Chicago to live with my dad and step-mom for the first time. I went to Moraine Valley for a year and a half, just trying to figure out what the heck to do with the rest of my life and attempting to find a school and pick a major. I decided that bc I liked Math and drawings Architecture was the major for me. So I started looking at state schools, when my dad approached me with a school I have never heard of Judson College. It was a small private school in Elgin. I told him it was too expensive, he told me that if I should check it out. Well I did check it out and I loved it. Small about an hour from home, just right to have to live on campus but be able to go home, do laundry and eat good food.

So in the Fall of 2000, I moved out to Elgin to start studying Architecture at Judson College, and Susie came with me. My first year was pretty easy. I only stayed up all night a few times in the second semester. My grades were decent. I had made some friends and even had a serious boyfriend Chris. But I had started to sense a change. Susie and I weren’t really talking, she wasn’t planning on coming back the next year, she was going though some drama.

My sophomore year was when things really started to get crazy. I was having to spend so much time in the Studio working on projects. Also I waitressed on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights, in addition to hanging out with Chris. So I kinda cut out friends, I had acquaintances and people to talk to during class, but I didn’t have time to hang with anyone but Chris and that group.

Just so you guys understand, Chris was so much more than my boyfriend. He was my best friend. The first person I called the person I trusted with everything. The man I was planning on marrying, and not because I was a big dreamer, but bc marriage was something we talked about. Where we would live, the kids we would have and the life we would live together after college. In fact during this time in my life I was extremely practical, I didn’t dream, I only planned. If I said it I was going to do it from school work to the man I was going to marry, I did it.

By Junior year, Susie had moved back to the area so we were living together. The second part of that year was the worst, I remember journaling a one point that we were no longer friends but roommates. I also remembering having no real emotions, or at least nothing phased me. I even started pushing Chris away saying extremely mean things to him. I remember one conversation between the two of us where I said something about his mom. I don’t even know if I listened to his response, in my head though I was wondering if he was going to break up with me, and it was the most numb thought it the world. As if I was deciding if I wanted a piece of gum.

At the end of that year I left to go to Europe for a month. It was hard saying goodbye to Chris for that month, and even questioned going last minute. But I left and being the good boyfriend that he was he emailed often and I called often. Europe was amazing, and more than anything it was a great time for reflection. One day I was drawing with one of my. I was drawing with him, bc my drawings were sucking and I was frustrated bc I used to be good at drawing. Anyways he asked me who I hung out with, and I said Chris and then I was silent and thinking to myself who else do I hang with. It hadn’t ever even occurred to me that I really didn’t have anyone else close in my life. My professor was really cool he didn’t make me feel too stupid, I think he mainly just challenged me to use the trip we were on to build friendships that I could take home with me. I spent the whole rest of the trip just taking everything in and wondering how I had gotten where I was.

After the school part of the trip was done my friend Jen and I went to Spain for a week, for a little R&R. She was my best Architecture friend, but we didn’t hang outside of class. We were standing at a bus stop and this lady who needed some dental work walked up. I snickered, Jen looked at me and was like who do you think you are. You are so freaking judgmental and you need to work on that. I didn’t tell her then, but she was right. So once again I’m left wondering what the heck happened and who have I become. What happened to the girl from Westmont who wanted people to give her a chance not based on her looks. To say the least I became disgusted with myself.

On the plane ride home, I looked at Jen and said to her I might not have any friends but at least I have Chris. Other than him I am alone. I also had decided that I needed to find a church and maybe start reading my Bible. I got home on a Wednesday night and had plans to hang with Chris that Friday. When I went to meet him it was weird but I knew something was up and long story short he broke up with me.

In a matter of days my whole life had come crashing down around me. I felt so dazed I remember the drive home, every song that came on the radio made me think of Chris. That was the day I started listening to Christian music. I balled the whole way home. I went home got into bed and just balled some more. I couldn’t understand why God would do this to me, I said I was gonna go to church, what more did he want from me. When Susie got home from work that night she ask me what was going on and I told her that Chris had finally realized that he was to good for me. I hadn’t realized it before but Chris and I were on totally different pages as far as God was concerned. He was a Youth Ministry major preparing his life to one that was centered around Jesus, while I was struggling to say a simple prayer.

I asked Susie if she would go to church with me that Sunday and off we went. I couldn’t even look up at people, I felt so ashamed and walked though church with my head down. I will never forget that morning though. The service ended with a song and I just sat down and started crying, but for the first time it wasn’t because of Chris. They were tears for me, for who I had become and how I had turned my back on God. It’s like those tears were washing away my past. I couldn’t believe that I had acted so stupid, there were SO many signs that I chose to ignore.

That was the start of the summer before my senior year in college, and oddly enough I would say one of the best summers of my life. For the first time I finally understood what it meant to be a Christian (or follower of Christ). I read my Bible daily and journaled on it. Susie and I began to pray together, something we had never done. I was a new person, people would say things to me about how much nicer and more out going I was. Don’t get me wrong it sucked that I had to lose Chris, but I know that God had to tear me down to nothing and I mean nothing. That way when I was built back up it was by Him and for Him.

Senior year was great I got to show people this new me. I let myself not be so focused on school and instead started building friendships. I also volunteered for AWANA and with an outreach group on campus. I fell like I found myself that year and was proud to be me for the first time in a long time.

After college I went and worked at an all girls Christian Summer Camp in NY. It was a amazing experience being surrounded by a bunch of women who were really strong in there faith in Jesus Christ. It was also the most draining thing I have ever been a part of, in every sense spiritually, emotionally, physically mentally. We worked 7 days a week and got 24 hours off a week from noon on Saturday to noon on Sunday. I was so challenged and just continued to grow in the Lord. I spent October of that year in Australia. In the fall I moved to Joplin, Missouri to be near my extended family. I stayed there for a little over a year, before returning to the suburbs.

Being back in Chicago was great but it also had it’s problems. I had my first real I’m an adult reality check. I had moved back to Chicago without a job. I never found a church I liked in Missouri so I was out of the habit of going to church. Thing eventually settled I got a job and a house. I’m not exactly sure when things started but was constantly anxious about everything. I wasn’t sleeping right and it was affecting my work and my social life and everything in between. I finally decided that I needed some drugs to fix my problem. I noticed that I was sleeping better early on, but that was the only change. So I literally sat a home waiting for my anxiety pills to kick in. They didn’t. After a month or two I realized that I couldn’t just sit around and wait for my life to happen. I had to do something. I flushed all the pills and began praying. Every time I started to feel a little flutter of anxiety I prayed and it helped. The anxiety isn’t gone, its just manageable. That was in the Spring of 2007, later that summer was the first time I was first invited to Camus Life. I went to the Dunes in August and started volunteering in November.

No matter what it is you believe, I think that because Campus Life is such a diverse group with many different views EVERYONE is challenged to really know what they believe in. Had I been a part of Campus Life in High School I wonder if I would have figured out what I believe in a little earlier.

That is the reason I volunteer at Campus Life.